I’m finding that trying to write the truth is harder than I thought it would be.
I started this blog to tell the truth, but I find that what I want to do is write something wise, profound, witty, and thought provoking.
In the interest of “keeping it real”, here’s something that happened to me this morning.
I was having coffee with a buddy of mine, and we were talking about how things are going in our lives. Honesty, authenticity, family, church, struggles etc…. Good conversation about real stuff that matters.
While we’re in the middle of this, I keep seeing women come in, and in the back of my mind I’m beginning the process of lust. Noticing the forms, the shapes, that I’ve trained myself to pick up on quickly, and dwell on. Years of training myself to notice breasts and curves have paid off. I now do it without thinking about it. Even in the middle of spiritual stuff, Church included.
It’s not like I’m just pretending to pay attention to the conversation, or pretending to really mean what I’m saying. But it’s going on in the background all the time.
At some point in the process I become aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I stop myself, sometimes I don’t want to. I usually try to flirt with an imaginary line I’ve drawn for myself. Linger a little, but not too long. Not long enough to get caught, not long enough to feel guilty about, but long enough to remember if something extraordinary happens by. I don’t like it, and yet I do.
Welcome to the walking contradiction that is my life.